In the process, I learned that I was seeking affirmation and belonging through betrayal. I learned that some of my family of origin issues led to holes that I tried to fill by creating patterns of behavior and attachment that medicated my pain.
My pain centered around issues regarding the emotional abandonment by my mother along with an episode of sexual abuse that I minimized for many years. It also centered around the pain of the sudden loss of my father at age 18, in which I powerfully attached to an older girl who had her own emotional issues while I was a freshman in college.
I settled into a decades long pattern of finding something to attach to, and when I got what I needed, I betrayed it. I convinced myself it was normal behavior. I failed to recognize gnome true love when I had it, so I couldn't reciprocate. I could only mimic.
True love stayed with me through all of that while I sought understanding, healing and recovery. Gradually, the small steps I mentioned above took me out of that place, and for the first time, in my late forties, I only began to taste healthy adulthood. I have a long way to go, because my emotional age has not caught up with my chronological age.
The main thing, is that this process opened the door for my mind to be renewed so that I could be transformed.
